Monday, May 23, 2011

Let the rain come down...

From the title, I gather it would be easy to figure out the type of weather that's happening right now where I live. It's wet, drab, cold, and just overall a very sad atmosphere for what should be a happy, camping-filled May long weekend. So why is it that even with the despairing weather, I feel a sense of renewal happening? Well to put it simply, it's because that's what rain symbolizes to me, especially at this point in my life. As you can tell, I've not been much of a blogger lately, and I will admit that it's directly because of the mood I've been in for the past couple of months. And sadly I have to say it was mostly because of something as simple as the starting of a new relationship. Now, most people would think a time like that is supposed to be surrounded by happiness and excitement, which for a little while, it was.

*Warning, this is where the post will get a little on the long side for some!*

What I didn't plan on was feeling as confused and unsure about it all, as I did. Because I don't have the luxury of being surrounded by tons and tons of suitors in everyday life (then again who does in these busy days?), I had started delving into the world of online dating about a year ago to see what else was out there. I was definitely surprised at the type of people who now seek refuge in online dating and matchmaking. It seems filled with normal guys and girls just looking for a connection from someone who they'd never meet in their everyday life otherwise. I'd heard of all the possibilities before starting, but it wasn't until I just listened to a dear friend and took the plunge that I really noticed just how misunderstood online dating sites can be.

After meeting a couple of people from one site in particular, I started dating a guy who I'll call 'John'. Now, of course the intial excitement of getting to know him was definitely fun, not long after we met did I start questioning just how much John was willing to do in terms of showing his excitement as well. We had the cute nervousness and coyness at first, but after almost two months of seeing each other on a regular basis and him still acting just as shy, I couldn't help but be worried that John might never warm up to me. He'd met my closest friends, we'd hung out or had gone to restaurants almost 3-4 times a week, had more intimate settings like dinner at his house, and yet still he felt ultimately too nervous to even hold my hand or really get somewhat physically close to me. Although it was still only a month into the actual relationship itself, we had been talking online for almost 7 months prior, AND had a few initial get togethers at the very beginning that were only to see if we did enjoy each others company, and wanted to date. In my mind, this would have meant that by the time we'd decided to actually call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, we could be comfortable enough with each other to feel a closeness and intimacy that would show we were more than just friends or casual acquaintances.

And this is why I was so confused. It didn't matter that I talked to him about my feelings towards this, it didn't matter that I tried making the 'first moves' that girls often have make these days; he still felt too nervous to even hold my hand. In public it was almost worse. Going to see movies and not even touching your boyfriend at all, is a very strange and awkward feeling. Although I am not experienced in dating, and have never had a serious relationship at 25 years old, I still knew that I wanted someone I could feel close with and not have to push to want to hold me. Is that so wrong to expect from a guy? I don't know...I know my expectations can run away with me sometimes (trust me I'm working on them), and not just in terms of dating, but I also know that in order for me to feel connected to someone I need them to be able to both share AND show the way they are feeling too. It's not enough to tell me these things only when I bring up the subject of feelings, or even to have a guy 'text' them to me thinking it's easier. I need him to prove I'm worth the effort of opening up, I guess.

So needless to say, I am using this rain as a form of renewal. To wash myself clean and let go of the anger I hold towards yet another failed relationship. To let go of feeling like it was because I did something wrong or because I'm not worth it. I know I'm not perfect, and I'm sure I confuse men more than the other, easier-to-read women out there, but I still have hope that there's someone out there who is willing to put the effort and time into figuring me out. A man who, with his warmth, will allow me to be myself and show him just how long I've been waiting to feel loved.

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